jokes

ENGINEER

An engineer died in his sleep and found himself in a long line on the
gateway to heaven. When he reached the start of the line, he found a
little angel sitting behind a counter who asked him for his name and
occupation. The man gave his name and said that he was an engineer during his lifetime. The angel flipped through a long printout of names, and after a while said, "Hmm... there seems to be some mistake, I don't see your name anywhere. Why don't you check the other place and see if they can help you." So instantly, the engineer found himself transported to a scorching hot place where he sees a little devil sitting at the entrance. The engineer gave his name and occupation as before. The little devil, on hearing that he was an engineer, skipped looking through the name list he had and immediately said, "Oh yeah, there must have been a mistake... we were expecting your arrival...", and proceeded to let the man in. A few days passed and the engineer began to notice that his new home was extremely hot and dirty and everyone seemed miserable, so he began inventing new machines and gadgets to make the place more liveable. It was not long before things begin to get better and the engineer felt happy once again to get back to work. Then one day God was taking a stroll when he comes across the Master Devil. Casually, God said to the Devil: "You know, we're short of one person up there in heaven. He was an engineer in his lifetime. Do you have any idea if he might be sent down to your place by mistake?" The Devil's eyes glinted and said: "Oh yeah, I know him... he's with me. A nice fellow to have...he invented an air-conditioner to cool down the heat, an automatic vacuum cleaner to clean up by itself, and on top of that, even an ice-cream maker for everyone! Things have not been the same since he arrived!" God, thinking to himself that heaven has also been kind of warm lately, demanded that the person be sent back. When the Devil just laughed and refused, God angrily exclaimed: "I will then have no choice but to sue you in court!" The Devil looked at him with glee and calmly said, "Now where are you going to find any lawyers?"
Back to the list

IN LOVE
A little old lady and a little old man are sitting on their sofa, watching a romantic movie. She says to him, "When we were younger, you used to sit a lot closer to me than this." He says, "I can still do that." And he slid over closer to her. They watch the movie a little bit more, and she says, "When we were younger, you used to put your arm around me." He says, "I can still do that," and does so. A little later, she says, "When we were younger, you used to nibble on my ear." He gets up and scurries away. "Where are you going?" she asks. "Gotta go get my teeth!!" he replied.
Back to the list

DRUNKER
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands
up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough,
he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four
blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his
face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time,
he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into
bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Back to the list

SNAILS
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Back to the list

LITTLE LUCY

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well," mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Back to the list

EGGS
A women in her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $ 7,000 in cash he found, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied. "Every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box." "Not bad," the husband thought to himself, "after 35 years of marriage." Then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied. "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Back to the list

A GOOD GUY

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Back to the list

Little boy

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!