A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 dollar bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother,  "How old are you?"  Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"  Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out  when you are grown up."  The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did  you and Daddy get a divorce?"  Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much and I don't want to talk about it now."  The little girl is frustrated. She tells her friend about her
conversation with her Mother.

The friend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver  license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy,  I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks, "Sweetheart, how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know and I know how much you weigh.  You weigh 120 pounds."  The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"  The little girl says, "I just know, that's all. 

And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven:  They each have to answer one question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:"  That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"  The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.  She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.  The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.  Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,  " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."  Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said:  "Paint my house."